Humor

From: "Randy Randall" on the QRP mailing list...

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times,
approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street.

"Hey,Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend
in on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away gambling, are you?" asks the gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a hamfest for radio equipment,
would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I am not a ham."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a
home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading
for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.

"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to
see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or goto hamfests. "

posted by Bill  # 9:13 PM

Thanks Max...

1. Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

2. It's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow. How cold will it be?

3. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

4. Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

5. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

6. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

7. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

8. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

9. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

10. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

11. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

12. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

13. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

14. How do I set my laser printer on stun?

15. How is it possible to have a civil war?

16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

18. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

19. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

20. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

21. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

22. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of asteroids?

23. Why is it called tourist season if you can't shoot them?

24. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole plane made of the same stuff?

25. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Dear Friend of Mine:

I'm reading more and dusting less.

I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about
the weeds in the garden.

I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor,
not to endure.

I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything.

We use our good china and crystal for every special event such as
losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look
prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries.

I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it
for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary.
If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't
be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted.

I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They
might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences
for past squabbles.

I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for
whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I
knew my hours were limited.

Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one
of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents
often enough how much I truly love them.

I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would
add laughter and luster to our lives.

And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special.
Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift.

"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need
to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."

I don't believe in Miracles. I RELY on them.

Super Granny, Defender of Justice (True Story)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scum bags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter, and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair, carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. Ah,......... a senior moment

CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL ADULT LEARNING CENTER (thanks Marion)
-SIGN-UP BY JUNE 24

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY OF THEIR
CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.

TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS.STEP BY STEP, WITH SLIDE
PRESENTATION.

TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? ROUND TABLE
DISCUSSION.

TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT
UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
GROUP PRACTICE.

TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
PICTURES AND EXPLANATORY GRAPHICS.

TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE
AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
EXAMPLES ON VIDEO.

TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
HELPLINE SUPPORT AND SUPPORT GROUPS.

TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW ! TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT
PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. OPEN FORUM.

TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
GRAPHICS AND AUDIO TAPE.

TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
REAL LIFE TESTIMONIALS.

TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
DRIVING SIMULATION.

TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE.
ONLINE CLASS AND ROLE PLAYING.

TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
RELAXATION EXERCISES, MEDITATION AND BREATHING TECHNIQUES.

TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS,
ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING
TO BE LATE.

CEREBRAL SHOCK THERAPY SESSIONS AND FULL LOBOTOMIES OFFERED.

**UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.

Speeding Ticket Stories: (thanks Max)

GOOD: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10-year-old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And to think we used to just
sell lemonade.)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he
sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with
another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball. "He
replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his
book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to
start her car for several minutes.

GROANERS

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned
because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The
job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note
worthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I
became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but
the work was just too draining.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was
always the same old grind.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a
historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

(thanks Petie)

Hello God, I called tonight
To talk a little while
I need a friend who'll listen
To my anxiety and trial.

You see, I can't quite make it
Through a day just on my own...
I need your love to guide me,
So I'll never feel alone.

I want to ask you please to keep,
My family safe and sound.
Come and fill their lives with confidence
For whatever path they're bound.

Give me faith, dear God, to face
Each hour throughout the day,
And not to worry over things
I can't change in any way.

I thank you God, for being home
And listening to my call,
For giving me such good advice
When I stumble and fall.

Your number, God, is the only one
That answers every time.
I never get a busy signal,
Never had to pay a dime.

So thank you, God, for listening
To my troubles and my sorrow.
Good night, God, I love You, too,
And I'll call again tomorrow!

Let anyone, that you love and care about,
know that God is there for them always,
even when everyone else has betrayed and left them.

God loves you and so do I

Political Correctness has gone too far!

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly
fanatics intent on killing us, airport screeners will not be allowed to
profile people.

They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women,
little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service
agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year
old Congressmen with metal hips and Medal of Honor winning former
Governors.

Let's pause a moment and take the following test.

In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Korbutt
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwartzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a
70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:
a. Captain Kid
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid who had a few
sticks of dynamite left over from the train job
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next
villain: "Mustapha the Merciless"
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed and thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonny and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


Nope, no patterns anywhere to justify profiling!

The Neighbor from Hell:

If you think your neighbor is bad, read this amazing story. This neighbor was SO BAD that the writer even made a website (complete with photos of his wacko creations!) all about him...

Redneck neighbor

(Bill: That doesn't look that bad...)

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day
after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story. One
day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs
to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man
said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... Holy
shit! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Tha..tha..that's All Folks!

The Cue Ball:

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first!"

The Rabbit:

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack
wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit!"

Lawyer Humor:

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 180."

The Gator Farm:

A fellow had owned this farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was designed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "OK, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond. I just came to feed my alligators!"

Learn to Speak Southern

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the
language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...


Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd
from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup
truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup
truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to
work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat
tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see
that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn
country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently
toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

More Brainteasers

1. What is white, lives at the north pole and runs around naked?
2. Why do birds fly south for the winter?
3. What always comes at the end of Christmas Day?
4. What could you find at the North Pole that has teeth but can not chew?
5. What does Santa give a 600 lb. gorilla for Christmas?
6. Can you spell "hard water" only using three letters?
7. In which month does Santa Claus eat the least?
8. What should you do if a reindeer eats your pencil?
9. At the North Pole you cannot take a picture of an elf with a red shirt. Why not?
10. What do you call a blind reindeer?
11. What kind of water never freezes?
12. What do you call a reindeer with three eyes?
13. What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have?
14. Would you rather a crocodile attack you or an alligator?



>Oopps did I forget to post the answers?




1. A Polar Bare.
2. It is too far to walk.
3. The letter "Y".
4. A comb.
5. Whatever it asks for!
6. Ice.
7. February; because it's the shortest month.
8. Use a pen.
9. Because you can't take a picture with a red shirt. You can only take a picture with a camera.
10. No idea (no eyed deer).
11. Hot water.
12. A reindeer.
13. Baby reindeer.
14. I would rather the crocodile attack the alligator.

I'm Fine - How are you?

There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,

And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

Subject: Turkey Hunter

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was
amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's
why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out
chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but
there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and
your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he
hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still
alive...he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure
there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and
your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and
said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because
he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a
118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

CHURCH POTLUCK:

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck dinner, and her son, Little Alfy, came running through the house, a BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went flying right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over quickly, Little Alfy could think of no earthly reason why he should risk dire punishment, so he said nothing. The church dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes among the diners. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Alfy's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied, "Nothing new, Mary, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat, and I shot the canary!"

There's a steady stream of humor, anedotes and sometimes profound messages arriving in my Email. I was archiving them in the Wiki but a large number of additional pages will slow down Wiki updates and it's not ideal for reading. So lets see if the BLOG works better.