Humor

Subject: stamp collecting

A widow goes to the doctor because she missed her period. He asks her if she thinks she could be pregnant.

"Pregnant?" she laughs, "No way, I'm a virgin!"

Doc looks at her file, then back up at her face, "But it says here you've been married three times."

Widow says "Yes, but, the first one, he was a photographer - all he wanted to do was take pictures of it.
The second one, he was a psychologist - all he wanted to do was talk about it.
The third one - he was a stamp collector. God, I miss him."

THE VALUE OF UNDIES:

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your
vehicle... especially in public. From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily
News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart
only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his
wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked
everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The
mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Subject: Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After
driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if
they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I
have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently
widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep
in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone
at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to
the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got
on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure
it out, but he finally determined that it was from the
attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the
ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do
you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we
stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry,
buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Subject: Ole & Lena

Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a
brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.
"Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked
"Lena gave it to me"
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"
"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road
6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods.
She parked, got out of da car, trew off all of her clothes and said
"Ole take vatever you vant."...So I took da car"
"Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."

Bribe and Groom

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to
the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be
faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of
the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the
young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command
and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look
at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then
leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made
me a better offer."

The Daffodil Principle

A wonderful story....

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, "Mother, you must come see
the daffodils before they are over." I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour
drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead. "I will come next Tuesday," I promised,
a little reluctantly, on her third call. Next Tuesday dawned cold and
rainy. Still, I had promised, and so drove there.

When I finally walked into Carolyn's house and hugged and greeted my
grandchildren, I said, "Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible
in the clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and
these children that I want to see bad enough to drive another inch!"

My daughter smiled calmly and said, "We drive in this all the time, Mother."

"Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm
heading for home!" I assured her.

"I was hoping you'd take me over to the garage to pick up my car."

"How far will we have to drive?"

"Just a few blocks," Carolyn said. "I'll drive. I'm used to this."

After several minutes, I had to ask, "Where are we going? This isn't the way
to the garage!"

"We're going to my garage the long way," Carolyn smiled, "by way of the
daffodils."

"Carolyn," I said sternly, "Please turn around."

"It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you
miss this experience."

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small g ravel road and I saw a
small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand-lettered sign
that read, "Daffodil Garden." We got out of the car and each took a child's
hand. I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, we turned a corner of the
path, and I looked up and gasped.

Before me lay the most glorious sight. It looked as though someone had taken
a great vat of gold and poured it down over the mountain peak and slopes.
The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns: great ribbons and
swaths of deep orange, white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, saffron, and butter
yellow. Each different colored variety was planted as a group so that it
swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were
five acres o f flowers.

"But who has done this?" I asked Carolyn.

"It's just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That's
her home." Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house that looked small
and modest in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house. On
the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to the Questions I Know You Are
Asking" was the headline.

The first answer was a simple one. "50,000 bulbs," it read. The second
answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and very
little brain." The third answer was, "Began in 1958."

There it was, The Daffodil Principle. For me, that moment was a
life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met,
who, more tha n forty years before, had begun one bulb at a time. Still,
just planting one bulb at a time, year after year, had changed the world.

This unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. She
had created something of ineffable magnificence, beauty, and inspiration.
The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles
of celebration. That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one
step at a time-often just one baby step at a time-and learning to love the
doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny
pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we, too, will find we
can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world.

"It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn. "What might I have
accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years
ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years.
Just think what I might have been able to achieve!"

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. "Start
tomorrow," she said.

It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make
"learning" a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only
ask, "How can I put this to use today?" We convince ourselves that life
will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are
frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when
they are. After that, we' re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal
with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell
ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act
together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice
vacation, or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be
happy than right now.

If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's
best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is
the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more
because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your
time with ... and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting...
Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school
Until you finish school
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is journey,
not a destination.

So work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And
dance like no one's watching.

thanks Dale...
---
Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor
of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into
other people's business. Several local residents were
unappreciative of her activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence.

However, she made a mistake when she recently accused
George, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she
saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only
bar one afternoon. George, a dedicated Christian and
man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just
walked away without saying a word.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in
front of Betty's house and left it there all night.

Thanks Dale..
---
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading
a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his
collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am
the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father
of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly ... but on leaving the bus
he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear
your pants backwards instead of your collar."