Humor

I woke up one night want, went down to the basement, and was crying down there all by myself.

My wife woke up and came looking for me.

She found me down in the basement crying and asked what I was crying about.

I looked her in the eyes and asked her if she remembered when her Daddy told me I could either marry you or go to jail for 20 years?

She said yes she remembered that.

I sobbed one more time and looked back at her and said: "Well I would be out today."

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk : "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds : "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so i gave him an entire bottle of laxative".

The owner, wide -eyed and excited shouts : "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives".

The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can, look at him he's afraid to cough."

Sven was working at the fish plant in Minneapolis when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went directly to the emergency room. The doctor looked at Sven and said "Let's have the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

Sven said, "I haven't got da fingers."

What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2004. We have microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Sven says, "How da hell vas I suppost to pick dem up???

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot".

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy ... Clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am ... But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage ... Would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if Ihad asked for German bratwurst ... Would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog ... Would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco ... Would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya ... Huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well ... No."

"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey ... Would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, " Well ... I probably wouldn't."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says , "Well, all right then...Why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He dials the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat

When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

1. Der's only one God, ya know.
2. Don't make that fish on your mantle an idol.
3. Cussing ain't North Dakota nice.
4. Go to church even when you're up nort.
5. Honor your folks.
6. Don't kill. Catch and release.
7. There is only one Lena for every Ole.
8. If it ain't your lutefisk, don't take it.
9. Don't be braggin' about how much snow ya shoveled.
10. Keep your mind off your neighbor's hotdish.

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.

EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

ONE YEAR LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.

MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT.

THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS.

BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.

HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had
stolen the car."

If you've already heard about this, please forgive me. I just think we need to get the word out.

I hate for people to forward those pesky "warnings" as much as anyone, but this one is important! I hope I'm not too late. Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks, do not do it! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...

Calling in sick for work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my head. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast, when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen.

"The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower curtain.

"I am scared, what if it sucks me in?" she pleaded. "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So, out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It was the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spies between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option.

Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.