Humor

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her packet, took a measurement, announce, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!

We have all had bad dates.. but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and peed her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." and you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 Year Old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The Second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Ole Swenson, Norwegian from North Dakota, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken.

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear.. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check."

"Oh, good news. Her record says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you.. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit."

Two children were sharing a hospital room and awaiting surgery.

The first child leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second child said, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first child said, You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second child then asked, "What are you here for?"

The first child said, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!", replied the second child. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home
when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like
hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license,
and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up
one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Kentucky.
This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it then reached over and grabbed the second
duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck.
This duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting
license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its
butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from
South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South
Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at
the hillbilly, 'Boy, just where the hell are YOU from?"

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,
"You tell me. You're the expert."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent sent up they both fell fast asleep.

Hours later Tonto woke up the Lone Ranger and says, Kemo Sabe, look up at the sky, what do you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of Stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me here are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically it is evident that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Now Tonto, what does it tell you?"

Tonto looks at the lone Ranger in a state of disbelief. Finally he shakes his head and says. "Kemo Sabe, you are dumber than buffalo shit. Someone has stolen the damn tent."

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take
Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was
in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but
keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.