Humor

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly." ________________________________________________________________________ A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." ______________________________________________________________________ This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His wife says,"Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new little blue pills." So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. He said," Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I¹m going to get me a tetanus shot." ________________________________________________________________________ Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

There were three young ladies from Mexico who got married on the same day. They happened to meet each other the following day, and since they were married as virgins, they decided to compare notes on their first sexual adventure with their husbands.

The first one said, "Sex with my husband was kind of like going to The dentist with a bad molar...it hurt really bad, but at the same time, I didn't want him to take it out."

The second one said, "Being with my husband was like drinking Jose Cuervo... at first I didn't care for it, but the more I had, the more I wanted."

The last lady said, "My husband reminded me of menudo... too much panza and not enough chile."

And who says God has no Sense of Humor?

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides
to ask God for help.

She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if
I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let
me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays.

"My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and
my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I
have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just
this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The
blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...


"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket!"

I will seek and find you....

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.



All my love.




The Flu




Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a
list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young
doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she
had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize
these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could
possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in
the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.

You gotta like Grandmas

A young Nun, who worked for a local home health care agency, was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can holding enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill-up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bed pan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I have two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the
zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart San Diego when suddenly he was shocked what he! saw! There was the blonde walking down the street and hol ding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he asked, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money leftover---so now we're going to Sea World".

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror.
But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear.

One day, 2 women and a man enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.

The first woman goes first..."I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears.

The 2nd woman goes up to try..."I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears.

The man goes up.,,"I think--"

"POOF!"

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Had a few too many the other night, and I was in no shape to drive, so I wisely left my car parked and walked home. As I was walking unsteadily along, I was stopped by a policeman.

*

*

"Lord... What's a headache?"

Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you
for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called
to tell me that you had quit your job today and that
was the last straw. Last week, you came home and
didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails
done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand
new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes,
and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch
me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't
love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
 
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER
and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife


Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
letter. It's true that you and I have been married
for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try
to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that
doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of
your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind
was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to
not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating
pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you
had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence
that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from
me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After
all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for
ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens
for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life
you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter
that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So
take care.
 
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my
brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed,
Rich and Free!