Humor
An archive for the steady stream of humorous and sometimes even profound messages arriving in my Email. Site FeedTuesday, December 20, 2005
SURPRISE - SURPRISE!!!
A photographer from a well-known magazine was assigned to
cover one of the major Southern California fires. The magazine
wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they
battled the blazes.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was
so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for
him to photograph anything from ground-level.
So he requested permission to rent a plane to take photos from
the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were
make. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a single-
engine plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the
gate. He jumped in with his camera bag and shouted, "Lets go!"
The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they
were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the fire and make two or three
very low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer for a national magazine," he
responded, "and I need some close-up shots of the fire."
The pilot was silent for a moment and finally he stammered, "So
you're telling me you are not the flight instructor!"
cover one of the major Southern California fires. The magazine
wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they
battled the blazes.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was
so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for
him to photograph anything from ground-level.
So he requested permission to rent a plane to take photos from
the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were
make. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a single-
engine plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the
gate. He jumped in with his camera bag and shouted, "Lets go!"
The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they
were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the fire and make two or three
very low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer for a national magazine," he
responded, "and I need some close-up shots of the fire."
The pilot was silent for a moment and finally he stammered, "So
you're telling me you are not the flight instructor!"
Crazy Light Bulb
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow
Me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "C,RAZY" then he
Would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling
And made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was
Doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the
Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you
Doing ?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
Couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "And where
Do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this..... )
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Blond Year in Review
January
- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March -
Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April
- Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May -
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August -
Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September
- The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October -
Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November -
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December
- Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March -
Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April
- Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May -
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August -
Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September
- The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October -
Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November -
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December
- Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
Monday, December 12, 2005
Geek Number Humor
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knot furlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million microphones? = 1 megaphone
14. 1 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 10 cards? = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet pants? = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram
25. 8 nickels? = 2 paradigms
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knot furlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million microphones? = 1 megaphone
14. 1 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 10 cards? = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet pants? = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram
25. 8 nickels? = 2 paradigms
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
from Iris in Napa
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.
My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood!
Air bag's? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes - not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.
My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood!
Air bag's? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes - not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
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